entry 20!
After writing and backspacing countless times, maybe this time I can finally complete this blog. Yes, I admit that I was lost in my thoughts, and that was a phase. Every human goes through a period of introspection, realizing they've been stuck in a metaphorical hole that time has pushed them into. I felt that way too, especially now that I'm on my own. It was easy to deceive myself into drifting away from my true purpose. My mind was preoccupied with one thing, but my actions were all geared towards imaginary self-satisfaction. I was trying to control the uncontrollable, and unsurprisingly, I didn't succeed.
Despite possessing wisdom, I was behaving foolishly. Reflecting on it now, I laugh at the disparity between my desires and my actions. It's easy to fall into a time hole where everything becomes unbalanced; I did countless times. But this time, I chose to go with the flow, breaking my own rules and following the rhythm of time. Through this, I learned invaluable lessons that will stay with me. I read somewhere that it's crucial to get lost and then find yourself again because if you always follow a straight line, you can't appreciate progress, or you become bored and stagnant. Our intuition becomes complacent. However, navigating through life's curves introduces new experiences and perspectives, helping us reconnect with the mainstream with greater speed and agility.
Recently, I found myself searching for the meaning of life, even though I knew it inherently holds no single meaning. I sought satisfaction not in what I truly wanted, but in what I thought I needed. Maybe it’s big city life that I wanted to blend in with that I was infatuated with. It's like how a person without food understands hunger deeply, while someone with plenty of food thinks about everything else but hunger. I was in the latter situation, searching for fulfillment in the wrong places.
This week, I partied with my college friends and reached a version of myself I hadn't known before. It was so natural and uncontrolled that it felt like a revelation. Surrounded by the warmth and camaraderie of my incredible friends, I was so drunk on my own thoughts and emotions that I couldn't see clearly. In that uninhibited state, I purged the infatuated and overthinking version of myself, shedding layers of pretension and self-doubt. I realized how often I let my mind get tangled in unnecessary worries and imagined scenarios, preventing me from experiencing genuine happiness. The spontaneity and rawness of that night allowed me to strip away those false layers of satisfaction. With my friends' unwavering support and joyous spirits, I vomited out the infatuated person and the overthinking self, confronting my true desires and joys. I understood that real happiness comes from authenticity and being present in the moment. This revelation was liberating and empowering, showing me how to maintain control over my happiness by being true to myself and embracing the unpredictable nature of life. This moment of clarity connected me to my true self, unburdened by the need for approval or fear of failure, reminding me that losing control can sometimes lead to the most meaningful insights and personal growth. I am profoundly grateful to my friends for being the guiding lights on this transformative journey. Thank you from the core of my heart.
Oh, I’m struggle to articulate these feelings. But perhaps that's the essence of it all: Understanding that life's journey, with all its missteps and revelations, is what shapes us. Embrace the detours, for they are just as important as the destination. Just go with flow and rock it. Peace ✌🏻